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iPhone Firmware 3.0: Bananas for Monkeys

Apple’s Latest Firmware Update Does Nothing More than Satisfy Some of the Long List of Complaints Formulated by the “Subordinate” Masses

The Apple marketing machine is at it again, passing off secondhand technology at a breakneck speed, re-wrapping it and dubbing it revolutionary. Two years in the begging, iPhone fanatics can finally begin to cross items off their request lists.

Hello:

New Features Include:

Copy and Paste. Everyone said you’d make headlines and they were right. Although you were available on jailbroken iPhones for quite some time. It’s kind of like Columbus “discovering” America.

MMS. Don’t send SwirlyMMS packing just yet. Apple reveals that only the iPhone 3G will be capable of picture messaging. The original iPhone seems to lack the hardware to make MMS possible…hmm…

Spotlight. Search your iPhone. Okay I can’t come up with a clever enough quip for the extra feature on your remote control you paid extra for, but never use.

Landscape Keyboard. What’s the quickest way to alienate developers and anger consumers who’ve already purchased apps that give you landscape capability for email and text? Provide landscape capability for email, text, and other programs in a firmware update.

Tethering. On again, off again, Apple’s relationship with tethering is like Ike and Tina’s (or for the younger generations, Chris and Rihanna). Apple loves you, then Apple gets a text from AT&T, Apple says it’s nothing, you two argue, Apple does some things it regrets, then Apple wants you back, and here you are. Thanks Apple for officially giving us permission to use the iPhone’s data plan/Internet connection on our laptops/computers, even though we would being doing it regardless.

Sync Notes. Syncing notes with iTunes is ingenious. Forget todo lists that sync wirelessly to servers that save, transfer, update and send notifications. Nope, use the Apple umbilical chord to keep you hooked on iTunes.

GPS. Turn by turn directions. That’s great because, essentially, if you couldn’t figure it out before, you really shouldn’t have had an iPhone.

Push. “Notifications” Instant messaging apps can now run in the background and notify the user when a new message arrives. Some apps already did that, but I can only imagine how streamlined and better integrated Apple will make it, although in earlier reports Apple stated it would never allow programs to run in the background.

App Add-ons. Get new in-game levels, maps, etc, a la carte via this option. This is fun if a 3.5 inch screen is all you need to get your game on.

Bluetooth. Has essentially been inoperable and useless on the iPhone. iBluetooth seemed to be the only app that exploited the Bluetooth capability of the iPhone. Now you get stereo capability with bluetooth headsets. Whoop.

This is Apple’s way of giving Spam to those who ordered and paid for filet mignon.

If you’re starting to feel like Oliver Twist, join the millions of other iPhone users who are lined up with open palms asking, “Please Apple, can we have some more.”